Courageous Husbands Part 1

Take your marriage manual if you would please and turn to Ephesians chapter 5, verse 25. This is the best marriage manual on the planet, and I promise you that you will not go wrong if you follow the Scriptures. And so in God's holy Word, the Bible contains all of what you need for life and godliness, and especially marriage.

Last week we dove into the subject of wives submitting to their husbands, and that was rich and wonderful. The text is very clear in that area. And now, as we have discussed Ephesians 5:22–24 in regards to the wives, we now branch into the husbands. In verses 25 to 30, it talks about the husband's role, and obviously in this text the concepts are intertwined. It's not that we will go straight through it point by point — we're going to extract some concepts today, and then next week we'll have the Lord's Supper together, and then the following week we'll pick back up with this same concept of husbands loving their wives.

I want to say up front that the title of today's message is "Courageous Husbands." And it takes a lot of courage to be able to follow through with the scriptural demands of being a husband. You'll face ridicule, you'll face rejection, you'll face cultural opposition, but there's no excuse. We need to be men of God, and to be able to do this, it takes what the scriptural context is — to be filled with the Spirit. And so it takes a man who is not operating in the flesh, but a man who is operating in the Spirit, yielding himself to the Spirit of God. Ephesians 5:18 says, "Don't be drunk with wine, but be filled with the Spirit." And that concept enables all of the rest of these ideas. And so the courage that you have — not only to submit to the Spirit and do it God's way, but then also to live it out and follow through — is an idea that I want to set before you as the title, "Courageous Husbands, Part 1."

So let's read together in Ephesians chapter 5, verse 25 and following. It says, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the Word, so that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself, for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body." Now let's finish the chapter together in verse 31. "For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is great, but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife, even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband."

Let's pray together. Lord, as we open up this wonderful subject — it's a concept that is missing in action, nearly M.I.A., by and large within our Christian community — I pray, Father, that You would utilize the strong men of faith that You've brought here to Beulah Baptist Church to be bright examples of this. We ask this in Christ's name. Amen.

And so the command then is for husbands to love your wives. In Joshua chapter 1, verses 7, 8, and 9, Joshua is commanded to be courageous and to lead Israel into the Promised Land. It says, "Only be strong and very courageous, to be careful to do according to all the law which Moses My servant commanded you. Do not turn aside from it to the right or to the left, so that you may be prosperous wherever you go. The book of the law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it night and day, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it, for then you will make your way successful and then you will be prosperous. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be in dread or be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." And so Joshua is to lead Israel as the head, and so husbands are to lead their wives as the head, and this takes strength and it takes courage.

In Deuteronomy chapter 3, verse 28, the Bible says that to be a leader takes strength and courage: "But command Joshua and strengthen him and encourage him, for he shall go across at the head of his people" — or leading his people — "and he will cause them to inherit the land which you will see." So Deuteronomy chapter 3, verse 28 combines the concepts of courage and leadership, or being the head and courage, and it takes a lot of courage to be a leader, whether you're leading an army, whether you're leading your home, or whether you're leading your wife.

This exact word and concept regarding love — to love courageously — is used in Matthew chapter 3, verse 17, and I want you to hear that agape, being the original idea for love in the Greek here, is used not only for husbands to love their wives, but it is an expression of how God loves His Son. In Matthew 3:17, the Bible says, "The voice from heaven said, 'This is My beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.'" And so for some of you who may not get the connection here and you're thinking textually or critically — good. Here's the connection. Love is agape in the Greek here in Ephesians chapter 5. And then in Matthew chapter 3, verse 17, agapeo is what is translated "beloved" — the same root word. And so the same root idea of how God has expressed His love for His Son is the same root idea of how husbands are to express their love for their wives. That's rich. That's beautiful. It's wonderful. This is to be built upon.

This exact word and concept is used as a command now in Ephesians chapter 5, verse 25 for husbands to love your wives. And so take note that from the highest heavens, God verbally expressed His love and delight and pleasure in His Son. So husbands, how then do you love your wives? One aspect, one concept, one way that you should love your wives is verbally. You should express your love for your wife publicly and verbally. You should delight in her. You should speak highly of her. And you should build her up verbally. Use your voice to publicly approve of her. Use your voice to privately approve and build her up. This is how God expressed His love for His Son. And so your voice should be used to love your wife.

In 1 John chapter 4, verse 8, the Bible says that God is love, which means that with all of who He is, God is love. He expressed His love for His Son. And so in a similar vein, husbands should utilize all of who they are. If God is love — which He is — then all of who He is is expressing that love for His Son. And husbands are not to reserve any of their love for their wife. All of who you are is to express your love for your wife. God's expression of agape love for His Son is to be the same as the husband's agape love for their wife. And so from the depths of your heart, from the depths of who you are, unreservedly, we are then commanded to love and appreciate and to build up our wife — to speak to who she is in Christ, to speak to her value, to speak to what she does, to speak to what would happen if she wasn't there. Speak to these things. Build up her value in these ways. Love her verbally.

The Bible says in Song of Solomon chapter 4, verse 1, how this was verbally expressed as well: "Behold, you are beautiful, my darling. Behold, you are beautiful." And then in Song of Solomon chapter 4, verse 7, it says again, "You are altogether beautiful, my darling, and there is no blemish in you." And so we see throughout the Scriptures that verbal love for the wife is expressed.

And so husbands not only are to express a high, heavenly agape love for their wives like God expressed His love for His Son, but also in this text you are to express your love for your wife like Christ expressed His love for the church. And this is a high calling. In Ephesians chapter 5, verse 25, it says, "Husbands, love your wives just as" — okay, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her. This reference to the cross is a complete giving of oneself for their betterment, for their purpose. Unreserved love, all of who they are. John Calvin said this: "This is no ordinary love. This strong affection is to imitate Christ, which is to not withhold even to die for your bride."

And so the husband's love then is to be costly. It should cost you something. It should tax you. It should take of you. It should be something that you give of yourself for your wife. And this love is to be above all other things. All other things. I'm going to prove it to you. Turn to Colossians chapter 3 if you would. Colossians chapter 3, verses 12 and 13 and 14.

Above all these things, the husband is to love his wife. Now this passage in Colossians chapter 3, verse 12 is going to start mentioning some wonderful things. And these wonderful things are good. But the greatest is love. Watch this. In Colossians chapter 3, verse 12, it says, "So as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, bearing with one another and graciously forgiving each other, and whoever has a complaint against anyone, just as the Lord graciously forgave you, so also you should." And here's the kicker in verse 14: "Above all these things, put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity." And in Ephesians chapter 5, the role of the husband is also to unify the marriage, to be united, to become one. And above all of these great things — compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, bearing with one another and forgiving one another — above all of these things is to put on this grand idea, this deep expression of love for the wife. This is to be higher than all other things.

Listen, husbands — you can't put your children above your wife. The same thing for the wives: you can't put your children before the husband. And the same thing goes for all the things in this world. Not only do we see these great things — compassion, kindness, humility — which are part of who you are, but you know that your occupation cannot be perceived by your wife as more important than her. Lest you be out of step with Christ, lest you be out of step with the Lord — nothing is more important than the first ministry that you've been given, and that is your wife. And you should have no restraint. In fact, the inner force of your being is to be driven to meet her needs and to love her.

And she knows if you love her first or second. Now this goes without saying, but Christ is first, right? And the more you put Christ first, the more you'll have your priorities right. And as you express your love for Christ, you will then naturally express your love for your spouse in these ways. And your inner drive, your compulsion — a lot of who you are is wrapped around these concepts. Sacrificial acts of kindness and love from the husband to the wife do some things to the wife. It really does. It takes her and brings joy to her. It'll bring value to her. It'll bring stability to her, confidence to her. It awakens her. It brings her into the place to where she will fully fulfill what God's design for her is.

And so not only do we love her, but we also establish a friendship with her. Song of Solomon chapter 5, verse 16 says, "This is my beloved and this is my friend." Now, you know, my wife is not only my beloved, but I would say to her that she's my friend. I'd like to be with her and around her more than anybody else this afternoon. I look forward to our Sunday afternoons and evenings because I get to hang out with my wife. I get to be around her. And you know that I would lay down my life for you.

In fact, we kind of jokingly say around the house, "We pity the soul that breaks into our home." They get the full fury of the father, right? No need to call the police, just go ahead and call the funeral home. Amen. We've had a certain member of our church who's got a lot of experience in law enforcement come and help us with training in case somebody were to break in, and he called our staircase "the fatal funnel" or "the death tube." And so my daughters have taken on that terminology. We pity the person who tries to break into our house. They'll never make it up the death tube. Amen.

And as the husband expresses his love without any reserves, he develops security. Within security, it develops joy. Within this joy, you have vitality inside the home, and this is what God has created — the home. These are truly wonderful things. Christ expresses His love like this. "Greater love has no one than this, than he laid down his life for his friends." And husbands, you're more than just a lover — you are a friend to your spouse.

And so point number one, which we've discussed already, is that courageous husbands love. They love, and this is unreserved. And number two, they lead. Courageous husbands lead. So number one, love. Number two, lead. And loving is leading. If you are loving your spouse, your wife, you are leading her.

Look at verse 23 in Ephesians chapter 5 if you would, as we intertwine this entire text and extract a concept from above the text for which we have read. In verse 23 from the wives' section, it says, "For the husband is head of the wife." He's head. And this is no new concept. 1 Corinthians 11:3 says, "Man is the head of the woman." And so this is to be the leader. This is to be the initiator. This is to be the one who makes sure that the husband and wife are in unity. They've talked about whatever is going to happen in the home, and now he leads. And so think of the husband perhaps as the stronger right arm, and then you have the weaker vessel of equal value. They're unified together. And after they talk and discuss and converge everything that they know about God and about the Word of God and what they believe is the will for their household, the husband then leads. They're together in this, but he is leading. She's supporting and they're unified in this.

You know, when an aimless approach to life deflates, purposelessness is depressive. You can't just exist in life and walk around in this world and say, "What am I here for?" The chief end of man is to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever. This is at the heart of what drives us as men — to glorify God and to enjoy Him.

The first question in the Westminster Shorter Catechism says, "What is the chief end of man?" And you know that it is to glorify God and to enjoy Him. This phrase, this question — "What is the chief end of man?" — gets to a person's primary purpose. Why are you here? What are you doing? Why are you working? Why are you spending money? Why are you loving your wife? Why are you teaching your children? Why, why, why? This question answers that: to glorify God. You've been made in God's image and He's given you a purpose, gifts, an aim, a will. And so this enjoying Him is a result of delighting yourself in Him. The Puritans considered God's glory and God's joy as a central part of Christian life. And so if you're lacking joy in your life, back up a notch and start doing everything for the glory of God. In 1 Corinthians chapter 10, verse 31, it says to do all things for the glory of God: "Whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." And so therefore the husband is to lead in a way that is to glorify God. Their purpose is upward. It's not worldly. Everything is aimed up at glorifying the Lord. Boy, does that make a huge difference in how you spend your time, how you spend your money, where you go on vacation, what you do, what you say, how you educate, where you're at on Sunday.

It makes a big difference when you're driven from within with these crucial purposes and you get it. Not only do we glorify God in everything that we do, but listen, husbands — you are a major part of setting the initiative or the tone in the home, and the wife lives it out in regards to the home being healthy and joy-filled. Psalm 16:11 says, "In His presence is fullness of joy and pleasures evermore." Fullness of joy — not some, not sporadic here and there.

And if this is the case — if you're happy in Christ — Jesus started off His preaching ministry with this concept in Matthew chapter 5. "Happy are" — or "Blessed are" — all the beatitudes are leading toward that. It's kind of like a carrot on the stick. You want to be happy in Christ? Obey His commands and there is fullness of joy. And Christ is bringing us into Him, the fullness of who He is. And that's the reason why Paul said in Philippians 4:4, "Rejoice, and again I say rejoice." And if you are happy in Christ, if you are delighting in His law, if you're obeying His Word, if you're doing everything for His glory, then it produces joy.

Joy is the first fruit that love produces, and Galatians chapter 5, verse 22 says love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, and self-control. But love is from which all the fruits flow. Love is the first and primary one. And right after love is joy. Lists in the Bible are important and they show a form of prioritization. And so straight from love — loving your wife, loving God — produces joy. And this happiness, this joy inside, is contagious. You cannot be mean and mad all the time around a person who's always happy. It's kind of like light and darkness — light's going to win. And so if you're happy in Christ, continue in Christ, continue in the Word, and this joyfulness produces playfulness.

Even secular psychologists know that playfulness cultivates stability, confidence, security, and inner health in the home. But this is Christian. This is a biblical idea. Secular psychology gets a lot wrong, but here — being united to Christ, having your priorities straight — produces a true and lasting joy that is not circumstantial.

And so husbands, listen to me. Your joy-ometer should not be like a thermometer that goes up and down with the weather, but you should be like a thermostat. "I am preset on Christ. I'm going to think like Christ tells me to think. I'm going to speak like Christ tells me to speak. I'm going to love like He tells me to love. I am set. My dial is set on Christ." And if you truly live this out, then it means that the Word of God is going to have a huge priority in your life, because this is the standard for living. This is how we know what is right and true. And so we live these things out. We are glorifying God. And as we aim with this higher purpose, what it does is it brings the wife along to this higher purpose. And there is joy. The joy that is infiltrated and infused in your life surpasses all of your daily trials and your daily hiccups and all these things that happen, because you've got a higher purpose in mind. You're living above the circumstances. And so cultivate this atmosphere of love and glory and joy. And I guarantee you that God's will will always be done in the home.

Now, not to lead in this way is to be indifferent, and indifference in this is sinful. And so if you neglect your duties to lead, the opposite of everything that I just said can stereotypically characterize your home. Your home can be characterized by a lack of joy, a lack of wisdom, a lack of confidence, a lack of playfulness, a lack of stability on the inside of the hearts and souls. Only Christ and Christ alone can provide true security, by the way. Nothing of this world provides these inner needs. And so these things start with the husband's dedication to Christ and living out these ideas.

A lack of leadership is neglect. Church father Tertullian explains it this way, and I quote: "The husband is to lead the union of two and one, and together they pray, together they fast, together they sustain one another, together they go to church, together they go to town, together they go through persecutions, and together they enjoy refreshment. Neither are to conceal anything, neither avoids each other, but daily each diligent to pursue the other." And so he got it right — except for the fasting. I really haven't done that yet with my wife, but I need to.

This idea of biblical headship — being the biblical head — is basically being in charge or being held accountable unto God. Metaphorically it speaks to the authority of God to Christ, the husband to the wife, and Christ to the church. Headship: God to Christ, Christ to the church, the husband to the wife.

And in this, the husband's leadership role requires a lot of practical things. For example, the husband is to stand for truth. And if he's going to stand for truth, he's got to know the truth. If he's going to know the truth, he's going to be studying the Word of God and being engaged in Bible study and be faithful to the local church. The husband's got to do these things. He's got to stand for truth. He's got to have some resolve, some backbone. He's got to have a scriptural spine and be unmovable and always abounding in the work of the Lord — 1 Corinthians 15:58.

And then as well, he's got to have the nerve to address issues. It takes a backbone to handle things that are going on with gentleness and kindness. And then as well, he's going to value solving problems over being silent and enabling dysfunction. It's easy to ignore things or sweep them under the rug, but a man who is going to properly oversee and handle his household doesn't sweep things under the rug. He values solving problems because he knows that if you just deal with it — it may be uncomfortable in the beginning — the ending result is that the problem is solved and there is lasting joy.

Not only that, he's going to honor God over appeasement. Oh, how we are all tempted to appease, whether in conversation or just kind of go with the flow. But God is his first priority. He's going to honor the Lord and the Scripture is going to win out.

Not only that, he takes responsibility and he doesn't play the blame game. Eve got blamed — but so did Adam in the garden. He blamed God for giving him Eve, which I believe is worse. I don't want to accuse God of anything. Hey, husbands, take responsibility. Something happens — own it. God's going to hold you accountable for it. It's a lack of leadership if you did not foresee a problem and train and equip your wife and children to overcome that problem. You know, we're talking to our girls already about what a godly husband looks like. We're talking to our girls already about how to stay safe on the roads. We foresee future problems. We want to head off as much as we possibly can. In every area of life, leadership is necessary, and your family will rise and fall in many different areas based upon your godly leadership.

And so also, the husband is to remain calm in a chaotic storm. Don't be reactionary. That is very unsettling if the wife and children feel like you're going to blow up over every little thing. And so be calm, be collected, be scriptural. Take it in, think it through, have complete confidence in God's sovereignty, and keep walking in Christ. It'll be all right. God's in control. If you have an unhealthy sense that you have too much control, then you may be a little reactionary. If you don't have enough confidence in God, you may be a little reactionary.

As well, the husband should not be passive, but appropriately aggressive. If you're going to be a leader, it requires an element of aggressiveness. You're going to have to take the initiative. Some things you're just going to have to work through. Problems don't fix themselves. Some things you're just going to have to aggressively pursue and work through. You're going to have to ask God to lead your steps and work, because nothing is going to get done unless you actually pray and proceed. You can't be passive and pull back. You have to own these things. And so be appropriate — not passive, but appropriately aggressive in taking care of things. For example, if you hear of somebody discrediting your wife, well, that's displeasing to the Lord. Handle it with gentleness and kindness. Set the story straight. Say, "This is what it is. We don't need to talk about it again." Defend your wife's integrity. Love her in the way that you keep the home and its integrity in place.

Also, I would say — not to be arrogant, but compassionate. It's easy to handle things in pride and arrogance, but be compassionate in how you deal with things.

Also, part of this is in 1 Peter chapter 3, verse 7 — to listen to understand. This is hard for most men, to be good listeners. Learning this up front, young men, listen to me: if you're going to love your wives, you can't just hear her in one ear and out the other. You actually have to stop what you're doing, stop looking at whatever you're looking at, look at her, and listen to understand. 1 Peter 3:7 says to live with her in an understanding way. You've got to understand where she's coming from. Maybe you have a wife — or maybe you will have a wife — who is very good at articulating what she is thinking and feeling. Praise the Lord. There's a very strong chance that you may marry someone who is not very good at putting her thoughts and feelings into words, and you need to listen to understand and help these ideas to be clarified. That'll lengthen your days, by the way. Save you from some late nights. So listen to understand.

I want you also to think about reporting to God. Report to God in prayer. "How am I doing, Lord?" You're going to hold me accountable for being the head of the home. You're going to hold me accountable for how I am teaching and leading my wife, how I'm loving her. How am I doing? Ask God these questions, and I guarantee you that He will lead you in the right ways to be able to glorify Him. Report to God in prayer.

Joe Rigney is a theologian and previous president of Bethlehem College and Seminary. He states in his book on leadership, on page 56, this, and I quote: "As the head, you are responsible to lead and guide your household, the basic unit of society established by God, to organize it for God's mission, to provide the spiritual, emotional, and material resources needed to fulfill their calling, including everything like your own personal piety, prayers, financial provisions, time and attention, affection, and active presence."

There are a few things in here that we could talk about until the cows come home, but I want you to know that your active presence makes, I think, the biggest difference. Because what your wife and your children need the most is who you are in Christ. They need you. They don't need half of you and some of you. They need you, and that necessitates being there. And being there is important — not just there in body, which a lot of us struggle with, but we need to actually be there and be engaged. And not only being engaged, but engaged in a way that we are providing for them spiritual direction and support, emotional support. It's not just material things.

The American lie is just to bring home the bacon — that's men, that's all they've got to do, set up things financially and then they can disconnect. That's not true. Maybe it's a worldwide lie, but I really see how in our American culture that is the definition of a man: how much money he makes. This is not the biblical idea of loving your wife and children, but I'm telling you we'll fall for it if we do not subject ourselves to the Word of God.

And to organize the family in order to glorify the Lord is truly important. Now, we're going to wrap up here and I want to give you the last points of this message in two weeks. This is just a little bit to get us started on the husband's love and leadership. Come back if you want to learn more from this text. And I want to give you some take-home truths today as we land the plane.

So it takes courage to love and lead, right? And in regards to courage — I'm telling you it takes courage — because you have to say no to some things that you may desire to do, and courageously discipline yourself to do the right things. So it takes courage. It takes inner strength to say no to a lot of things in order to say yes to the right things. And as you discipline yourself for the purpose of godliness, it produces glory for God and joy inside of your heart and soul and family.

And so it takes courage, right? Not only does it take courage because of your own desires working against you, but it takes courage as well because of rejection. You may fear rejection from your wife or even from society. You may have some anxiety in this, and that's understandable because of a secular culture and how loud it is. But I would say to that: get over yourself. Just do it. Be biblical. Paul said, "I die daily." And so take up your cross and be crucified and get over yourself. It's going to hurt. If you're going to do things right and biblically, it's going to be painful. I mean, you can't read two pages of your Bible without seeing Christians going through pain.

So not only do we need courage to face rejection and get over our own desires, but you may have some apprehension in the fact that you might just do it wrong. Like, "I don't know the Bible. I don't know what the right decision is." So you do nothing. Well, I would simply say to you: if you seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, all these things will be added unto you — Matthew 6:33. Just start seeking Christ, start walking with Him, be in step with Him daily through Bible study and prayer, do the best that you can, and God comes in and takes care of the rest. It's called mercy. We serve a God of mercy. You may not know, and that's fine, because the smartest people on the planet don't know either. But God will lead you and He will stand in the gap and He will help you. He will lead you step by step by step. So don't not do something because you fear you're going to do it wrong.

Not only this, you may be embarrassed. Well, if you care for your wife and the guys start to make fun of you, or if you want to do these things the Bible says and it may make you feel vulnerable to your wife or to others — listen, get over yourself. Don't be embarrassed to love your wife. Don't be embarrassed to do things biblically. Grab the Bible, own these concepts, self-correct, repent and believe. Go in this direction.

What about if you have a headstrong wife and she seems impenetrable? You take her by the hand and she snatches it back. You start to speak and she speaks louder. What if you have a headstrong wife? I would say: be gentle. Just be biblical, because the Word will win out. The Word is powerful and effective. It gets to the heart. You just be consistent in the Word. You do what God calls you to do. Say what the Word says, lay it out there, head in that direction, and the Word will wash away all of these things. We'll get to this in the text in the future sermons. The Word will do the work. It's not dependent upon your effort, your volume. It's not dependent upon you being louder or stronger. None of that stuff works. The Word works.

I'll give you some take-home truths. Number one: regularly speak highly of your wife. We saw that God spoke highly of His Son with the same root word of agape. You also should love your wives. Husbands, love your wives. Regularly speak highly of your wife. Solomon bragged on his soon-to-be bride regularly all through the book. Christ's act of love on the cross for His bride is spoken of regularly throughout the whole Word of God.

And then also know this — that children adopt the same high, heavenly view of their mommy when the husband honors his wife regularly. Don't you want that to happen? Well, make sure you are regularly speaking highly of your wife.

Number two, the take-home truth is: extend yourself endlessly. Extend yourself endlessly. Love is an unending concept. There are no parameters. There are no limitations. You can't say, "Oh, I don't have to love you because you said this." You can't say, "Oh, I don't have to love and serve you because you're acting this way." There are no parameters there. Christ's love for us has no parameters. He died while we were yet filthy, wretched, nasty, unlovable, unworthy sinners. Oh, and I'm so thankful He did. In the same way that Christ loved us in our sewage-like disposition, we are to love our wives unreservedly. Love should then stretch you and it should come at a cost — not monetarily. It should cost you time and of who you are. You should pour yourself out. If you think of pouring yourself into your wife, you're emptying yourself. And God's mercies are new every morning. He's going to fill you right back up. He's going to enrich you. You cannot extend yourself too much for her. Love is sacrificial. It's not superficial.

Valentine's Day is superficial. Love your wife, have her feel loved. But I'm just saying, that whole idea — that's not love. This is love: God is love. And so love is willing to die for your wife, and it actually means that you are dying for her. You're actively giving of yourself. And if it costs you, if it is taxing, then you're doing it right.

All right. So: regularly speak highly of your wife — number one. Number two, extend yourself endlessly. Number three, be in the Word with your wife. If you're going to be unified with her, then you have got to report to the One in charge. You've got to conform yourself that way. You've got to regularly be talking about the Word of God. You've got to regularly be reading the Word of God together, to each other. Praying together, reading the Word together, seeking the Lord together. This is something that we do regularly, and if you are in the Word with your wife, then you're going to maintain unity of direction. You're not going to gradually drift away.

And the last one I have for you today is: defuse any disunity. A husband needs to be appropriately aggressive, and whenever he senses any type of disunity between the two, then it is he who is responsible to take the initiative to go after that. The right words, I should say, are gentleness and curiosity. And we can all grow in these areas, man. I'm not saying to anybody here today that I've got all of this mastered, by the way.

But in this area, if you are going to do it correctly and you sense any disunity, gentleness and curiosity are two really good words. Because if you are genuinely curious about her thoughts, her well-being, or what's going on, and you're going to probe in this area, then you are bringing that element of disunity to the surface and you can talk it through and deal with it. But you've got to be gentle and you've got to be loving and you've got to be kind.

And so this idea of unity is going to be dealt with in depth in two or three weeks in the area of forgiveness, because you cannot be guilty of harboring bitterness or unforgiveness — either one of you, by the way, in any area, especially in the area of disunity. Because if you store up, if you are counting wrongs, if you are getting madder and madder and madder, then you're adding coals to your fury. And it's just terrible. So unforgiveness — I equate it to like old food in the fridge. It ain't getting better. You're going to have to deal with it. Might as well be a man and deal with it up front and say, "That's old. We need to talk this through." So handle it. Be ones who defuse disunity diligently. Do this. Do this quickly. It's easier when you do it when it's small. If you wait till the problem gets big, it's harder.

All right. I pray that today's message for the husbands has been encouraging, and I know that it requires a lot of courage. And so like we mentioned last week, wives — build up your husbands. Say to them the things that need to be said so that he will lead biblically. And be authentic about saying, "I believe the Bible is true in these areas. I want to submit to you. I want to reverence you. I want you to lead the home. You've got the reins here. We work together. We have equal value and different roles. I get it. But I want to affirm this." And this is going to help the husbands lead well.

All right. Let's pray together. Lord, we do love You and thank You for the text. As this may have been a slow ramp to get into these ideas, I think that it's appropriate, especially since we have many here who are getting ready to be married, and we have also ones who are newly married who are working on these things, and then as well, Lord, we have ones who have been married for a long time. And I pray that You would infuse courage in the hearts and minds of the husbands. And I pray that You would infuse strength inwardly for them to be able to do the right things when they need to be done.

I pray, Father, for unity among the marriages here in our congregation. Lord, nothing is beyond Your healing hand. I pray, Father, whether it's sickness or disunity, whether it's finances, whether it's an occupation, whether it's children — whatever the case might be, Lord, it's endless. Your core concepts here can supersede all of what we deal with. And I pray, Father, that You would help us to gradually start doing what is right and to see Your glory be illuminated brighter and brighter and brighter in our lives, in our unified marriages, in our parenting, in our love for one another.

Lord, I pray Your blessings upon the widows here and single women who are here today, that they would utilize the words of their mouth and the meditations of their heart to disciple the younger women, to train them up in a way so that they can enter into holy matrimony in a way that is prepared and ready to embrace countercultural ideas and be biblical young ladies. And I pray the same for men — any widowers who are here, any men who are not married — that they would teach and utilize their influence and their time to be able to impart these beautiful, wonderful truths for their good and Your glory.

Father, You have given this illustration of the church as Your bride for marriage in only one area, and this is it. This is indicative of how important it is. And we see You have utilized marriage as a mysterious illustration of our union with You. Thank You, dear God, for placing Your emphasis upon this concept, and help us with gravity to invest ourselves into knowing it better. And at the end of the day, marriage aside, this is all about You loving us. We thank You for that. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.